My Honest Advice for Someone Feeling Lost in Life
I wasn’t planning on releasing this letter.
I initially wrote it several months ago when I was thinking about tough times in my own life.
But as life goes, life gets better.
And I didn’t feel like the things I was focused on were as relevant anymore.
But as it turns out, just like life gets better, life also gets worse.
We go through phases of up and downs, that’s just how it works.
So I’m rereleasing this as a means to remind myself and give myself some much needed advice during harder times.
If you’re also feeling lost I hope this can help.
Why Do We Feel “Lost”?
Why we do we feel lost?
We feel lost because we don’t know where to go.
Why do we not know where to go?
Because either the road we are on doesn’t feel like the right one, or we are at the fork in the road and can’t decide.
Why does it not feel like the right one?
Because there is no right one to begin with.
Whichever decision we make in life has not only positive upsides but also negative downsides.
Why can’t we decide?
Because we are worried that the decision we make now is a decision for life - and that once we make it, there’s no going back.
Aka we’re scared of the consequences.
Why are we scared of the consequences?
Because they’re real.
In other words, its normal to be scared because it’s normal to have consequences.
And it’s normal to feel lost in life because we can’t predict the future and we can’t always make the right choices.
But here’s the good news.
If we understand this, then at least we can stop beating ourselves up for having difficulties dealing with these things.
You see, being lost is not a bug. It’s a feature. (more on this later)
These feelings you have right now are normal parts of the game of life.
It’s like falling off rainbow road in Mario Kart or something.
That’s part of the game.
So trying to fight or get rid of that feeling is trying to solve a problem that can’t be solved.
Meaning if you want to stop feeling lost, you don’t do it by getting rid of the feeling of being lost.
You do it by dealing with what’s causing that feeling to begin with.
Aka, instead of being remised that you can fall of the Rainbow Road of life, figure out how to not fall off in the first place.
Now I’m no therapist or psychologist, this is just what I’ve learned from my own experiences.
If you keep trying, keep searching, eventually something will click.
There is No “Right Decision”
One of the primary reasons people feel lost is because they’re trying to make the right decision.
Chances are you are stuck trying to make a choice in life that you feel is very important.
It could be which college you want to go to, which career you want to pursue, or whether you should quit your job.
And right now you are suffering because you want to make the right choice, but you can’t because you don’t know which to choose.
And something to get clear is: there is no right decision.
It simply doesn’t exist.
Because we are not future predictors, we don’t know the outcome of our choices, we can only guess.
Sometimes you pick right, other times you pick wrong.
And what you thought might be a good decision can easily end up being a bad one.
Just think about it for a second.
Think about a time in your life when something went absolutely opposite to what you planned.
And then think about a time when things went way better than you expected.
Things happen as they happen.
So what does that mean?
That means instead of trying to predict the future and pick the perfect choice, we need to understand that there is no right decision.
And the more time we spend worrying about making the “right decision”, the more suffering we experience.
Plus, every decision you make will have unforeseen positives and negatives.
There will be stuff you like about that new job that you didn’t think you would like.
There will also be stuff you hate about it that you didn’t think you wouldn’t like.
Every decision has ups and downs.
Take for example what I’m doing here with photography and YouTube.
I chose this path because I thought it was something that would ultimately be better for me in the long run.
And there are a tons of good things about it: the work is enjoyable, I’m getting better every day, and I’m building something I care about.
But the downsides of it are clear as well: income is rather difficult, I don’t want to freelance too often because then I’m just building my own 9-5, and success is heavily dependent on how good you are.
So both positives and negatives right?
These people all chose different views.
Q: Who made the “right” decision?
A: No one.
The girl on top has the highest view but has to climb down after.
The man on the right can see well but has to stand.
The people in front have to deal with the cold wind.
The boy to our left has a ball under his butt.
There are pros and cons to each and every decision.
Great, so now I get it Andre.
There is no perfect decision, there will always be positives and negatives, we can’t predict the future.
But what do I actually do?
Here’s a practical way to deal with feeling lost from an unmade decision.
Pick the option that has downsides you can live with.
Better yet, pick the path that has the downsides you want.
Stuff that other people see as a problem but you see as a good thing.
Problems you would love to have.
And understand there will always be stuff you didn’t expect.
So just use your best bad guess, make a choice and live with the outcomes.
If it’s a reversible decision, don’t waste any extra time thinking about it.
If it’s irreversible or difficult to reverse, like moving somewhere far or getting married, spend some more time thinking.
Sleep on it.
Make the decision when you’ve had a full stomach and aren’t rushed or pressured to decide.
And if all else fails, flip a coin.
Because that’s all we do in life anyways.
We flip a coin and see how it turns out.
I’m not even joking about the coin thing, I learned it from a friend and it’s served me very well.
The coin tells you what to do, and if you aren’t happy with the outcome, now you know.
Moving on.
Go somewhere new or stay at home?
There is no right decision.
Eliminate Options
Over the course of our lives we get good at learning what we like and what we want.
This is actually a problem.
Because in this near infinite world, there are a near infinite amount of things we could do.
We could follow the standard route of the 9-5.
We could travel and go see the world.
We could live in a different country.
We could get into photography and start making stuff with it.
And there are endless amounts of hobbies and things to get into.
So chances are, if you are a living human being, there is more than just one thing you like.
You probably have more than one food you like.
You probably have more that one book you like.
When we have a near infinite amount of options and things to get into, this can actually paralyze us.
It can make us feel uncertain about our choices and what we are doing because, like we mentioned earlier, we are trying to make the right choice.
But as we learned earlier, there is no right decision.
So what does this mean?
This means to deal with infinite options, you need to train one skill in particular.
And that is the skill of eliminating options.
You need to get good at eliminating the less desired stuff for the more desired stuff.
Because you can’t have it all.
And trying to have it all may be giving you that lost feeling to begin with.
On the contrary, if you learn to cross stuff off, you’ll get a sense of relief.
You’ll be more relaxed and feel better about your choices because instead of trying to decide between 50 things, you’re only deciding between 3.
Think about it from this example.
The next time you go to a fast food restaurant, pay attention to the menu.
Notice how many options there are.
And observe how long you spend picking, choosing, deciding between options.
For most people, it’s easier to decide when there’s less choices.
So restaurants, bars, and coffee shops that have a simpler smaller menu have an easier decision process.
And this serves both the customer and the business better.
The less options, the easier the decision.
So if you’re having trouble making a decision, first start by eliminating.
Get rid of as many options as you can until the decision is easy to make.
Meaning: get out a piece of paper and write down every option you’re worried about.
And then just cross stuff off: this doesn’t matter, this doesn’t matter, I don’t really care about this, I could live without this one, etc.
Do this until you’ve narrowed the list down to about 2-3 things and you’ll be in a better position to make a choice.
This practice will allow us to discover what we actually care about.
It helps us separate our greatest desires from our loose desires.
Try not to put too much weight on the decision you’re making.
It’s not going to kill you, it’s just one decision.
And if it does kill you, you’ll be dead so you won’t be able to worry about it anymore.
Aim Lower
If we’ve learned anything from this letter so far it’s that a lot of this “lost” feeling comes from inaction.
It comes from being stuck in a place and not being able to move.
And that barrier that’s presented in front of us could be because of the fork in the road or something else.
So a lot of the tips so far have been to help you overcome that barrier so you can start moving.
Because when we’re moving and making progress in life, we aren’t “feeling lost”.
However we don’t just have to overcome this barrier.
Another thing we can do to get moving is actually lower or make the barrier in front of us smaller.
And then, action will be easier to take because instead of climbing a mountain, it’s just a small hill.
Does that make sense?
Start with a small hill before trying to climb a big mountain.
So what we can do to lower the barrier is to actually aim low.
Aim stupid low.
Instead of setting a high goal of what you wanna do, where you wanna go, what you wanna achieve in life, set a small goal.
Today, my only goal in life is to make my bed.
Or brush my teeth.
Or go out on a walk.
Or reach out to a friend.
Whatever it might be, make a goal so small you know you can do it.
And then do it.
Don’t worry about whether it’ll make sense in the long run.
It will, but don’t worry about it.
Just start small.
And if you’re the type of person who likes to aim big, has big dreams, highly ambitious, etc, understand that that’s part of the problem in the first place.
It’s okay to dream big.
I’m not against dreaming big or wanting to do big things with your small life, but that is what’s causing your suffering in the first place.
Because when you have big goals it’s hard to take action.
It’s hard to take that first step because you’re desired destination is so far away that, what’s the point?
And you forget that big things are accomplished small steps at a time.
So this small goal isn’t forever.
It’s just a tiny thing to get us moving in the right direction.
And then once we’ve built up a bit of momentum we can start aiming a little higher.
Which will eventually get us closer and closer to the mountaintop.
Make sense?
I’ll give you guys a real example of how I applied this in my life.
About a year ago I wanted to get this channel up and running again.
I had taken a break from consistent YouTube to really get my life in order and figure out how I wanted to approach this thing again.
And when I started again, I didn’t try to make 50 videos at once.
I just focused on one at a time.
And actually, I intentionally tried to do a bad job.
I set the bar really low on the effort I put in, sat in front of the camera, and just talked.
I did the absolute bare minimum.
You can go back and watch the videos, they’re all there.
So I let myself make a crappy video just to get started.
And then the next week I did the same thing.
And the next, and the next.
And then things steamrolled from there.
I began experimenting with short form.
I started writing scripts out to make this overall presentation clearer for you guys.
And I upgraded my mic because I’d been using the same crappy one for years.
Fast forward to now, I’m writing every day, making a video every week, putting out short form, and working on bigger photography projects.
All of that came from one day.
One where I decided to set the bar stupid low and just get started.
And I built momentum from there.
So don’t underestimate what completing a tiny task today can do for you.
It could really be that thing that sets off a big chain of action and change in your life.
And remember: Big goals can paralyze us, small goals can get us moving.
You Don’t Have to Have it All Figured Out
I think what causes us a lot of stress in life, especially if you’re on the younger end, is this idea that we have to have it all figured out.
That by a certain age, life is supposed to “make sense”.
That at a particular time we’re supposed to finish school, get a job, make a bunch of money, have kids and we’re gonna have it all figured out.
And the reality of the situation is: No one has it all figured out.
Your parents don’t have it all figured out.
Your grandparents didn’t have it all figured out.
And the friends you might be comparing yourself to in life that are “more successful” than you, don’t have it all figured out either.
So this notion of getting to some place where life is supposed to make sense and then we can start living is an illusion.
A fantasy created by either society, our own ideals, or some hope we give ourselves to keep going.
And I’ve realized that by trying figure more things out in an attempt to have it all figured out is futile.
Now, I don’t say this in a pessimistic or nihilistic way to tell you to stop trying.
Rather, I’m fairly optimistic about this.
You see, when you’ve accepted the idea that we’ll never have it all figured out, you can actually start living.
We don’t have to get all the things in place to start the thing we wanted to start.
We can start with what we have now.
We don’t have to wait until a certain age to begin living.
We can live now.
And we don’t have to worry about whether we’re on the right track, or how much progress we’re making, or how fast we’re going because it doesn’t matter.
Life is not a race and we’re not trying to get to the finish line first.
Because, remember, what’s actually at the finish line?
Hint: it’s death.
So why rush ourselves to the end?
Life is not a race.
All of this is to say that if you feel like you’re falling behind, there’s so much stuff to catch up on, and you’re not where you’re “supposed to be”, chill.
It’s perfectly normal to feel that way and it’s just our mind trying to aggravate us because it’s a built in survival mechanism.
It thinks that if it doesn’t do all this stuff we’re gonna fall behind, miss out on life, and die.
And don’t get angry at your mind for feeling that way, that’s its job.
But if you can take the time to remind yourself: “I don’t have to have it all figured out”, you can give yourself that small bit of permission to take that imperfect action to do the things you want to do.
Make sense?
Even this dog feels lost.
It’s Not a Bug, It’s a Feature
Time and time again I find myself coming back to this idea.
And it’s something I need to constantly remind myself to keep myself grounded.
It’s not a bug, it’s a feature.
What does this mean?
Well we talked about Mario Kart earlier so we’ll use this analogy again.
Imagine you’re playing Mario Kart and you drive off the ledge and die.
You might be shocked or surprised the first time, but the next time, you’ll try and stay on the curves.
And sometimes you’ll fall, other times you wont.
But you’re not gonna get mad at the developers for having a place to fall off in the first place.
Because you understand: that’s just a part of the game.
Another analogy: poker.
When you’re dealt a hand in poker, assuming no one’s cheating, you don’t complain about the hand.
Because if you play long enough, the odds are you’ll get a bad hand.
Sometimes you’ll get a good hand, sometimes you’ll get a bad one.
And when you get a bad one, you’ve gotta just do the best you can with what you have.
The same thing applies to any and everything in life.
Maybe you weren’t born rich, but you gotta work with what you have.
Maybe you were born ugly, but you gotta work with what you have.
This is just part of the game of life.
So “feeling lost” as well is not a bug - it’s a feature.
It’s part of the game.
It’s supposed to happen.
You’re supposed to feel lost.
Those are normal feelings for a human living in the 21st century.
And this is important to reiterate over and over again because many people try and fight the game.
They think if they’re feeling lost or unhappy, something’s wrong.
And if something’s wrong, they must be doing something wrong or worse: they’re a victim of circumstance and start blaming others and not taking responsibility for their lives.
But when you realize that this is just part of the game, you can relax a little bit.
You can tell yourself, “Oh, what I’m feeling right now is perfectly normal.”
“Actually, given my current circumstances, it’d be weird if I wasn’t feeling like this, right?”
And then you can take an objective viewpoint of your situation and view it less emotionally.
We are no longer beating ourselves up for feeling a certain type of way.
We have given ourselves permission to feel bad.
Which ironically, that makes things better.
Because we are no longer feeling bad about feeling bad.
Which means we can have more fun with it and treat life like the game it is.
Any time anything bad happens to you, remind yourself:
It’s not a bug, it’s a feature.
And then get up, do something about it, change your circumstances if you want to change them, and don’t fall off the ledge the next time.
Understanding that is the first step.
I don’t know you or your life, but whatever situation you’re in, it’s not a bug it’s a feature.
These are the cards you were dealt, this is the hand you have.
It might not be a good hand, it might not be the best hand, but the best you can do is play it as best as you can.
Work with what you have.
Lets wrap this up to make it make sense for you.
If you’re feeling lost in life right now, I feel for you.
Because from time to time I feel lost.
And it sucks.
It’s not fun to be in a place where we don’t know where we’re going and we’re anxious and worried about our lives.
But thankfully, there are a few things we can do to help us get through this.
First. Understand that feeling lost is normal.
We feel lost because we’re scared of the consequences of making the wrong choice.
Second. Realize that there is no right decision.
Whatever choice you make in life will have upsides and downsides.
And trying to make the perfect choice is preventing you from making a choice in the first place.
But the sooner you realize this, the sooner you can make a decision and get on with your life.
Third. A practical tip for making that decision: eliminate options.
You may feel paralyzed because you have too many options.
It could be what you want to do with your life or what you want to eat today.
But understand that the more options you have, the harder the decision.
So start by crossing things off and it’ll make your life easier.
Fourth. Aim lower.
Sometimes we set the bar too high because that’s what we do.
But if your goal is too big it can feel impossible to take the first step.
So what we have to do is set the bar super low, and build from there.
Start with one tiny task and just move a little bit in the right direction.
It’ll pay off later.
Fifth. You don’t have to have it all figured out.
Your parents certainty don’t.
Your grandparents definitely didn’t.
And you for sure wont.
So stop trying to figure everything out and just live life.
Sixth. It’s not a bug, it’s a feature.
Meaning your circumstances, bad things that happen to you, and failures are normal.
They’re things that are supposed to happen in this game of life we play.
And the sooner you can accept these things, the less emotional we can be about our circumstances and the more optimistic.
Falling off Rainbow Road is the point.
Getting a bad hand in poker is the point.
Feeling lost in life is the point.
Don’t try to change life, just play the game.
Anyways, I hope maybe one of these six points helped you.
I hope that if you’re feeling lost you get unlost soon and things get better.
If you like photobooks, check out my latest one: “The Sinking Sun”.
And you can grab a free 4x6 print while you’re at it.
Thanks for reading! Have a better day.
